A Self-Unloved!

A self-unloved!
Self-love such a “cliché'” some say, but it’s not. Last night, my brother passed away; he was three years younger than me. I watched and experienced him live in chaos his entire life, destroying all that was beautiful and good in his life all because he did not love himself.
He had many addictions, the main one was alcohol, he started drinking at a very young age. Alcohol like ‘everything’ in life, creeps in on you and takes you over, changes the chemistry in your body, mind, and spirit. Eventually, my brother’s drinking became his method of self-medication; to escape his deep pain and suffering he lived with since a young boy.
 When I asked him why he drank; he said it took him away from himself and gave him a sense of feeling safe, powerful, and self-confidence, he would say, “I am on top of the world,” that was his exact expression. I knew it was to escape his life, to escape the pain he was enduring within.
 Without getting into the details of my brother’s life. In the earlier years, his late twenties, my early thirties. He was already showing signs of life that will eventually spiral down. The seeds of an unloved-self were being planted and watered in alcohol. As I revisit the memories of his life, I can see clearly that all the watering of love I or anyone could give wasn’t the antidote to the love he needed to give himself. God only knows we all worked to make him better, but there is NO ‘making’ anyone better. Maybe we do it for ourselves so we can feel better so we can continue to be around. The truth is, none of us know what is best for anyone; it’s an inside job.
There were so many times he wanted to quit drinking and get his life together, I so believed him, and so did he, but the patterned repeated itself too many times, my hope turned into anger, helplessness, and despair.
Back then I did not have that much knowledge about the depths of what alcoholism really was, with the exception that I wanted to get away from it, our father was a drinker.
Bringing alcoholism and the behavior that stems from it to his relationships always ended badly. That called for another drink.
Eventually, everyone abandons him, only to confirm the ugly feelings he was feeling, the feelings that brought him to alcohol in the first place, to take him away from himself. But the truth was, he abandoned himself. He just could not grasp that concept.
No one could have saved him, but him, unfortunately when behaviors are involved not too many people want to take on that challenge, I for one tried to but had my own issues to sort out. He tried rehab, but if you don’t get to the roots, nothing changes. Recovery is a deep knowing, an AHA, and the answer.
The long goodnight finally came for my brother last night, despite all his crazy making he brought to our family, he was always loved by my husband and me. I could no longer talk with him because his energy overpowered me, but my husband til the day he passed was kind, loving and a friend to my brother. I know that my husband’s generosity was my brothers only hope that life was good.
He passed with that in his heart. Rest in peace little brother, now you are dancing amongst the stars. ❤
Love yourself “Addiction is the only prison where the locks are on the inside.”

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I am poetically clear about my beliefs which are subject to change as I change and gain more insight. Simply put, I know nothing and everything.